Dear Michael,
I don't have anything else to say other than I miss you. I miss you being around to make fun of; I miss fighting with you; I miss picking my nose with you while we watch t.v. alone when mom and dad are on dates.
There is a lot that we're missing out on each other that I've had plans on since I understood anything in life. You were supposed to sit in boredom at my graduation while you waited a decade just to hear my name called for me to walk up to grab my diploma and pull a sneering face at you. You were supposed to be nervous with me when I start college this fall. You were supposed to lean over my shoulder and laugh at me when I bawl over my mission call letter. You were supposed to sit in the front row of my final vocal recital and attempt at holding back laughs when I hit the high notes that most people with testosterone shouldn't be able to.
And I was supposed to grudgingly come and watch your soccer games this summer and-- again-- pull faces at you whenever you glanced over at where I would be sitting. And I was supposed to be equally nervous for you when you started your senior year of High School. I was supposed to toss your underwear in the shower while you were taking one just to annoy you while you were rushing to get ready for a date. I was supposed to force read to you Harry Potter whether you liked it or not.
I really really miss you. All I can do is think about you at this moment in my life when everything, it seems, is about to change. I really wanted to pull a face at you when I walked at graduation.
I love you
Love JJ
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
A Friend Needs to Die to Set An Example
Last Friday (Jan. 23, 2009), my good friend Tanner Holst passed away. He was only 17 . . . he had the cold, which turned into pneumonia, which turned into a bacterial infection that wasn't responding to the antibiotics, which led to his death in the hospital that Friday night. This all happened really fast. To my understanding, at the beginning of last week, he went skiing with one of his friends. Yet, this is not why I am writing about him.
I'm writing about him because while I sat at his two hour funeral service, several thoughts crossed my mind of me needing to do better in life. Thus far, I had thought that I was doing well. Sure, I had my rebellious moments in Junior High, and I've never been perfect (who has?) and I know I never will be, yet I am going to strive to do so. At this funeral service, however, I realized that I am the most selfish, self-centered man in this world. I realized that no matter what good deed I had been doing, I had been doing it for the glory and the recognition. I had not been doing good for the warm fuzzy feeling. This troubled me.
The evening of the day that the funeral was held, I had a massive struggle to deal with. At first, my feelings of selfishness only bothered me a little, but as I pondered them I grew more and more angry at myself and unknowing of what to do. I felt that my life was leading to nothing, and that if I were to suddenly die, as Tanner did, no one would be able to say anything remotely as nice as they did as Tanner's funeral. The most people would say is : "He (meaning me) was a nice kid. " But they'd have no supporting facts.
Thus, the struggle raged on until, at last, while venting to myself in my downstairs living room, I fell to my knees by the couch and prayed. I didn't say a word in that prayer; I knew Heavenly Father would understand. I merely felt the way I was feeling to let Heavenly Father know what was up. Whilst kneeling and praying I felt I needed to get over myself and focus on worrying about those who struggle around me. I felt that to come over all these selfish and prideful feelings was to serve secretly and let no one know it was me. So be it.
I now have several ideas of how I can uplift others without worrying about being in the spotlight. The only thing I am ashamed of now, is that it took a friend to die to set an example for me to correct myself and walk more in the path of my Savior.
I'm writing about him because while I sat at his two hour funeral service, several thoughts crossed my mind of me needing to do better in life. Thus far, I had thought that I was doing well. Sure, I had my rebellious moments in Junior High, and I've never been perfect (who has?) and I know I never will be, yet I am going to strive to do so. At this funeral service, however, I realized that I am the most selfish, self-centered man in this world. I realized that no matter what good deed I had been doing, I had been doing it for the glory and the recognition. I had not been doing good for the warm fuzzy feeling. This troubled me.
The evening of the day that the funeral was held, I had a massive struggle to deal with. At first, my feelings of selfishness only bothered me a little, but as I pondered them I grew more and more angry at myself and unknowing of what to do. I felt that my life was leading to nothing, and that if I were to suddenly die, as Tanner did, no one would be able to say anything remotely as nice as they did as Tanner's funeral. The most people would say is : "He (meaning me) was a nice kid. " But they'd have no supporting facts.
Thus, the struggle raged on until, at last, while venting to myself in my downstairs living room, I fell to my knees by the couch and prayed. I didn't say a word in that prayer; I knew Heavenly Father would understand. I merely felt the way I was feeling to let Heavenly Father know what was up. Whilst kneeling and praying I felt I needed to get over myself and focus on worrying about those who struggle around me. I felt that to come over all these selfish and prideful feelings was to serve secretly and let no one know it was me. So be it.
I now have several ideas of how I can uplift others without worrying about being in the spotlight. The only thing I am ashamed of now, is that it took a friend to die to set an example for me to correct myself and walk more in the path of my Savior.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Passionate Loves, and Passionate Hates
I claim to have a great deal of love for music. However, according to my band teacher at Davis High School, because I do not know certain composers and famous directors by heart I am, sadly, not a musician. I've played the Euphonium for almost six years now, I played the trombone earlier in my musical education in a jazz band, and I've been attempting to teach myself the clarinet, though nothing much is coming of it. For eight years I've been learning how to sing opera, classical and Broadway by this absolutely marvelous lady named Maren (if any of you need a hero, I refer you to her). Not a year and a half ago my biggest desire for years was to get a Doctorate's Degree in Musical Education. That flame went out.
Next, my thoughts and ambitions turned towards the medical field. After my love for music, my interests and fascinations of the Human Anatomy are what caught my attention the most. I wanted to go into the Nursing Field, and I had quite a road planned out ahead of me, too. I was to get my C.N.A. during last summer and practice it just before my mission. Afterwords, I was to get my L.P.N. and then my R.N. and get a masters degree in Nursing from Weber State. I was thrilled. I had taken a Human Biology class my sophomore year and loved it! And so, summer came and my C.N.A. course began at the local D.A.T.C.
All went began quite well. Because of my over achieving self, I had started the book work before the class had even begun, and I was able to speed through the class with wonderful passing grades. In the class with me was one of my good friends Emily who enjoyed with me watching the video about how to take rectal temperature. Good laughs came out of that one. So far I was not let down. I was let down, however, when the time for our Clinicals began.
The clinicals are the part of the Nursing Assistant course where one begins the "hands on" experience. Emily and I were stationed at Life Care Center in Bountiful together. Life Care Center is a Nursing Home, and I had no problem with this. I had spent three years thus far at an Assisted Living working as a Kitchen Aid, so I figured working with Senior Citizens in a Nursing Home would be cake for me. This is where I was wrong. Extremely wrong.
You see, patients at a Nursing Home are 90% of the time Alzheimer victims. Thus, they were bed ridden and could do absolutely nothing for themselves. We (Nurse Assistants) were responsible for feeding them, toileting them, bathing them, etc. And I'll tell you now, doing these things isn't what bothered me. I think the real reason for what scared me away was the realization that I, too, may one day be like theses old men and women. In fact, I'm sure I will be.
So that is that.
Now my future career goals have turned towards Psychology and working as a therapist. I wish to help people and this is another way I can. Perhaps I can turn my life's experiences into wisdom and the ability to help show others the way.
Yet my true passion lies in my religion, my family and my country. I am Mormon (LDS, if you must know) and I will proudly claim that I love this Church. I know it to be true and I wish everyone the happiness found within its Church Building Walls. My family is wonderful, and I stand by them through all things. I'm proud to be an American. This country has its downs and massive transgressions, but I would not pick another place in this world to live . . .
As for passionate hates, I despise spiders with all that is in me. I don't care about size, poison status, anything at all. If it has eight legs, crawls and is categorized under arachnids, I hate them, and will have nothing to do with them. My poor children will come running to me at tender years crying for help because they have found a spider and wish to call for their father's help and I tell you now they will be disappointed. I will refuse to help. They can call for their mother instead.
That's all.
Oh yes, I love theatre.
Next, my thoughts and ambitions turned towards the medical field. After my love for music, my interests and fascinations of the Human Anatomy are what caught my attention the most. I wanted to go into the Nursing Field, and I had quite a road planned out ahead of me, too. I was to get my C.N.A. during last summer and practice it just before my mission. Afterwords, I was to get my L.P.N. and then my R.N. and get a masters degree in Nursing from Weber State. I was thrilled. I had taken a Human Biology class my sophomore year and loved it! And so, summer came and my C.N.A. course began at the local D.A.T.C.
All went began quite well. Because of my over achieving self, I had started the book work before the class had even begun, and I was able to speed through the class with wonderful passing grades. In the class with me was one of my good friends Emily who enjoyed with me watching the video about how to take rectal temperature. Good laughs came out of that one. So far I was not let down. I was let down, however, when the time for our Clinicals began.
The clinicals are the part of the Nursing Assistant course where one begins the "hands on" experience. Emily and I were stationed at Life Care Center in Bountiful together. Life Care Center is a Nursing Home, and I had no problem with this. I had spent three years thus far at an Assisted Living working as a Kitchen Aid, so I figured working with Senior Citizens in a Nursing Home would be cake for me. This is where I was wrong. Extremely wrong.
You see, patients at a Nursing Home are 90% of the time Alzheimer victims. Thus, they were bed ridden and could do absolutely nothing for themselves. We (Nurse Assistants) were responsible for feeding them, toileting them, bathing them, etc. And I'll tell you now, doing these things isn't what bothered me. I think the real reason for what scared me away was the realization that I, too, may one day be like theses old men and women. In fact, I'm sure I will be.
So that is that.
Now my future career goals have turned towards Psychology and working as a therapist. I wish to help people and this is another way I can. Perhaps I can turn my life's experiences into wisdom and the ability to help show others the way.
Yet my true passion lies in my religion, my family and my country. I am Mormon (LDS, if you must know) and I will proudly claim that I love this Church. I know it to be true and I wish everyone the happiness found within its Church Building Walls. My family is wonderful, and I stand by them through all things. I'm proud to be an American. This country has its downs and massive transgressions, but I would not pick another place in this world to live . . .
As for passionate hates, I despise spiders with all that is in me. I don't care about size, poison status, anything at all. If it has eight legs, crawls and is categorized under arachnids, I hate them, and will have nothing to do with them. My poor children will come running to me at tender years crying for help because they have found a spider and wish to call for their father's help and I tell you now they will be disappointed. I will refuse to help. They can call for their mother instead.
That's all.
Oh yes, I love theatre.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
An Introduction of Myself
Hmm...I suppose indeed I am a conformist. Even though I no longer have favorite siblings, I seem to have a continuous desire to follow my dear sister, Alaina. I noticed she had a blog, thus awakening within me a wish to create one for myself.
I'm not at all an interesting person. I attempt to be wise, thus making me a fool. According to all tests, I am very average. I'm very fond of food and like any other male, my ego is the size of a football field. I'm very prideful and wish to boast constantly. Occasionally I might tell a little white lie to put me in better light. I have some discipline, but I prefer to be lazy.
In conclusion, I am a hypocrite. It would do you well to stay away from me and avoid me at all costs.
Much love,
JJ
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